Live From The Grayish Carpet

Life on the Other Side of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll, Redacted

In Which I Finally Unfriend (and Block) My Repulsive Ex

Koala     I’m not only going to unfriend my ex on Facebook, I’m going to block him. I feel good about this. It’ll be my second favorite Facebook-related interaction ever. My first favorite happened back in 2010, after Terry and I broke up and I changed my relationship status to ‘single.’ “You will no longer be in a relationship with Terry Locke when you save this change,” Facebook sagely informed me in straight-faced Helvetica.

     Although I was amused — ok, ecstatic — when he posted last year that his then-girlfriend had dumped him on the first day of their romantic vacation together in China, there’s very little good that comes from my ability to access Terry’s Facebook page. It’s not healthy.

     Don’t misunderstand. I’m not pining for Terry. I don’t miss him and I don’t particularly care about what’s going on in his stupid life. I’ve given it a lot of thought — minutes on end — and I can’t figure out why Terry and I remain friends — or “friends” — to begin with. Maybe it’s because I keep hoping he’ll post a comment on Facebook so brilliant, insightful or funny that I’ll finally understand why I slaughtered what remained of my life in Los Angeles to be with him in Australia. But, if that’s the reason, it’s time to give it up: to date, Terry’s posts consist of YouTube clips featuring fat and/or retarded girls singing Katy Perry songs, fun n’ kooky photos of beer-related errata, and memes so old they prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Australia’s ten years behind the rest of the world.

     But still, as certain as I may be of my feelings about Terry, I frequently find myself trolling his Facebook page, and, far worse, his new girlfriend’s. I’ve spent the better part of the last 24 hours studying up on Anna and her 49 Facebook friends. (39 of them are young or youngish Austronesians;
10 are, like Terry, doughy middle-aged white men who appear to have rich online lives. I’m just saying.)

     Anna lives in Malaysia. Her posts are in Malay, and, as such, I’ve not only spent hours reading her status updates, I’ve spent hours reading status updates that I don’t understand. (I did translate a few, only to find out that Anna, a rocket scientist, writes things like “you’re my yellow yellow cucumber.”) Occasionally she writes in poorly punctuated English, and on those occasions, she posts photos of Koala Bears captioned with choice pidgin nuggets like “IS MY DREAM TO BE WITH U,,,” In March, she posted the Scorpion’s “Still Loving You,” Stevie B’s “Because I Love You” and Julio Iglesias’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” Twice. She posted that clip twice.

     Maybe it’s just my ego acting up, but as of today, I’m done. (If Terry were dating Cat Power, I might feel better about myself. But he’s not. He’s dating Anna, who, according to Facebook, enjoys shredded meat products and long walks on the beach.)

     I’m getting my shit together. Here goes.

     Goodbye, Terry. Hello, glorious life.

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This entry was posted on February 16, 2015 by in Life, Sex and tagged , , .
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